Where are you fucking hiding the gold stars/like button/+1 for 10/20/30 year life plans that are underway/unseen/silently/steadily working? ‘Cause people are hyping up shit that is immediately forgotten when the next page loads. But laying down the foundation for the future, shit that actually lasts…yawn, that shit ain’t tangible, instantly gratifying, and b-oring.
Fuck this noise…I want my goddamn cookie!
*hands on hips, making tapping noises with right foot*
So, I stumbled upon a recent pic of Halle Berry rockin’ a black, midriff baring dress, and I wanted to wallow in depression. Coz she’s fucking in her 40s and more fit than I can ever hope to be. Goddamn.
But I looked at pictures of myself, age 21, long, silky haired (from rebonding), projecting sexyface but being DEEPLY insecure and totally un-sexual. 5 years later, I chopped my thick, wavy, unsilky locks into a sassy pixie cut, live in a country that doesn’t nitpick at my body endlessly, and hey, I’m rather satisfied with my fleshy thighs and ass clawed through with stretch marks. Textured, a story, not commodified. At 21, I felt unlovable, flighty. At 26, I feel stable, rooted. Stability, for the first time in my life. Freaks me the fuck out but a little bird told me that everyone needs a little spring cleaning once in a while…
I may not look “perfect,” but I respect my body now and just chill. Be with my body. I love how regular yoga practice and bellydancing got me re-acquainted with my body…hey old friend. I am made of strong, flexible muscles. I am not weak but powerful. Anyone can look sexy, but it takes time to feel deliciously sensual. Comfortable and playfully curious with life is sensual. Luxurious. Relaxed.
Breathing easy.
Can’t sleep after realising that the void that I’ve been filling with TV, internet, food and cigs turns out to be…
Authentic self-love and acceptance.
When you have spent your life performing for others and end up in a room all by yourself, do you know the person behind the masks, wigs, and makeup? What makes her genuinely happy, and not just deliver an addiction-based dopamine rush?
Hint: Definitely not religion and social/moral expectations like children.
An unsent email to one of my friends. I felt…quite immersed in the song’s moment when I was composing the message, and I hesitated to forward the actual email. It made me feel…vulnerable. I have dear friends, and at times I retract my impulses at the last minute. How this city has changed me….
Hey,
You know, “To Build A Home” is really growing on me. It feels as expansive as driving on the highways of California in April and taking in the sea of fiery orange desert flowers, the cloudless azure skies, sunburnt hills, and the vast emptiness that engulfs and consumes me, akin to waves and sea foam.
That song brought me back to that fleeting Spring moment when I felt most free.
Thanks for recommending this band to me. The songs have taken root in me; I like the little shoots. :)
I don’t do jack shit on my fbook anymore, and looking at the “People You May Know” page (the spawn of boredom + curiosity), I just realized that it’s a yearbook of folks who don’t really like me (I think so, ‘cause I don’t like them…!):
- I couldn’t fit in high school because they all thought I was pretending to have a Western upbringing (you can’t make this ish up, all the bullies and my actual international upbringing), and I didn’t fit the mold of “pretty, slutty IS [int’l student] girl” I wasn’t a ho; I was just fugly. Thus, me = easy target.
- I couldn’t fit in uni because I started getting all spiritual and shit while everyone was clubbing and doing Valium with their other drug cocktails. Baptist girl? Ain’t hard to guess the outcome of that one.
- I didn’t make a lot of lasting friendships (or useful networks) in my first job after graduation because I was too busy fucking, getting fucked up and fucking people over. File under: Bad Karma.
I’m trying to get back into (sorta) social networking in order to prepare myself for networking amongst bean counters (my future profession), but sometimes I wish I could make my past (and most of the people in it, save for my dearest friends) disappear.
Can’t I just start over at 26? A truly clean slate? Why does this have to be a necessary evil? Fuck fuck fuck.
The Average Asian Aging Process
BAHAHAHA SO TRUE.
Age 120 is where we become wise magical beings who teach people lessons via fortune cookies. Fuck yeah.
So I have come to the realization that my inner resentments (anger directed towards people I know) has reached its limit. It’s a rational conclusion, you see; you can only harbour so much hatred until it consumes you.
It only dawned upon me now that I am overflowing with hatred and resentment. Who knew hating people is a habit?!
Everyone around you continues to live their lives until they wish to change them to their liking. If you want everyone to change, well tough luck. You’ll achieve faster results if you change your mindset first.
If only changing one’s thoughts is as easy as reformatting a USB stick…heh.
Holding onto old habits because they’re comfortable. Or is it because the holding pattern is too long?
I miss being what my dear friend P says: that I add spice to life. I don’t feel that way here, land of prudent spending and saving for my future. But living in a first-world country usually means a higher life expectancy. So, conserve your resources when you can while living in the “land of plenty.” (Ha! how ironic that these stable societies are the first to go under…see: 2008 recession.)
As a nihilist, what is left for me to hold on to, to make me realise that I am still me? The definitions I erected for decades have been smashed into pieces in the span of four years; I no longer believe in religion, spirituality, soulmates, unconditional/everlasting love, marriage, finding my life’s happiness solely in a partner, being reckless with money, feeling invincible with my social status…hell, even my status in life…
New definitions abound: relationships as partnerships, without the guarantee of everlasting, spending for needs, wants when there’s spare change, having 10 year plans, the reality of a late retirement/working well into middle age, resisting temptations/impulses sucessfully because consequences are fully understood, accepting change without defaulting into absolutes.
Sonetimes it takes all of my energy to not go insane while being sensible.
I had the most awesome New Year’s Day! :D
Happy happy. <3
