Rambly.

3:20 am

I was awash with weightless optimism…and then I hit Command+V.

I have not changed.

3:27 am

I felt my insides tighten. I stretch my neck, leaning to my left, I hear a little crack. Looking up at the white ceiling, I scold myself. Get a grip. It’s only yourself you’re talking to.

Even to my own thoughts, I hold myself back.

3:29 am 3:31 am

Have you heard of the song “Silent all these years” by Tori Amos?

I resonate with the chorus. I feel silenced most of the time . I’m whipped like that…words sting more than a slap across the face, although I don’t know which hurts more. My mother tells me that anger and words are not connected. Mercifully, experience has spared me from such delusion.

I don’t tell you this but I’m often on guard. Some people feel weightlessness, a blissful, utmost release of the cares that weigh down upon them, during sex, but I don’t know if I could ever feel such release in life…at all. Recreational drugs (alcohol is a drug of sorts, isn’t it?) only bring about paranoia, not peace. 

Yes, that Garbage song. I don’t need conspiracy theories, the way I live my life. It was only this year that I allowed myself to indulge in silly romantic movies, to not be afraid that I’d fall for the illusion again. 

On a positively giddy little segue, I happily slurped my way through dad’s nilagang baka and a delightfully painful - and cathartic - hardcover tome of essays called “One Big Happy Family: 18 Writers Talk About Polyamory, Open Adoption, Mixed Marriage, Househusbandary, Single Motherhood, and Other Realities of Truly Modern Love” by Rebecca Walker. It’s freeing to know that there are vulnerable people out there stumbling over themselves, figuring out this “love” thing with all the complications of “modern life.” I’m quite positive that even though I won’t ever get married (but be in a long-term relationship), will probably never have children due to the trauma of growing up (although I like to imagine that I will have children with milky-coffee skin and a sprinkling of freckles), and will probably continue to exist in a perpetual state of “lost in translation”, never fitting in…I leave room to contradict myself and keep on stumbling along.

3:46 am

Oh shit I’m so gonna be useless at work today.